By Martha Miranda Miller


Where does it come from?

We would like to say that the spirit of suicide is everyone's right, and that everyone has a right to choose life or death. But the suicide spirit is simply the flip-side of the same coin, murder. We must begin this work with the truth.....Jesus said....Rev. 9:6 And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them. Death is simply a state of sleeping till the day of the resurrection. Death cannot be thought upon as the finality of life, for though dead, whereas the living mourn the dying, none die but all shall live again, and be brought back from the dead again, and be judged, and those written in the Lamb's book of life shall live eternally, and those not found therein shall die a second death, as written. Rev. 20:12 And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. 13 And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. 14 And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. 15 And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.

You ask, What have these things to do with the spirit of suicide? The spirit of suicide, this spirit of evil, does not want anyone to know that they never die. The spirit of suicide, being totally wicked, evil and full of hatred, does not want his captives to know that they face life, not death, and that they shall come into their bodies a second time, and that the death they so sought after will flee away from them, they coming back into that same flesh they sought to escape, and there have to give an accounting to God for every work and every deed they committed, in the body. Now, that the suicide spirit is simply the flip-side of the same coin, is evidenced every day, for there are those that will take the life or lives of others, and then themselves, commit suicide, which is simply, self murder, or the murder of self. I wonder what could be in the mind of a man who would first of all, take the life of his wife who is terminally ill, and then take his own life as well, and on that day, when he stands before God, could it be possible that his wife is written in the Book of Life and he is not? He committed murder, and it is written that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.

What hatred of God a situation such as this exemplifies. A suicide assister is simply, one who helps someone else murder his or her own self, he being responsible also for the taking of a life, for murder, and it is written, no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. 1st John 3:15 Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.

Now I do not speak ignorantly of the suicide spirit. My own body bears the scars of a failed attempt, and every day I breathe, and with every heartbeat, I thank God that angels must have interceded in my behalf that my soul did not perish. If I can take you back through my battle with this unseen force and this unseen power, that you might come to understand his treachery, his lies, his oppressive and overwhelming power, and my words reach into one tormented soul that even one has the victory of life and not the sorrow of death, then my own sufferings with this evil spirit have not been in vain nor without profit.

When I was overcome with this treacherous snake, this suicide spirit, I was already in Christ, already Spirit filled, already in a ministry, already writing music, already having written two books, already ministering to thousands, already being sustained by the Word, the Spirit, and Christ Jesus, for almost fifteen years, besides having received Jesus at the age of six, loving Him all my life. So if I, already empowered and powered by the Spirit, fought a battle with this snake and lost the victory, where does that leave those outside of Christ? It leaves them powerless to resist, and powerless to do anything except take their own lives and the lives of others. It was the power of God alone that kept my life in my flesh, and brought me through the tremendous healing process afterwards that saved not only my life, but my sanity as well.

This episode happened over twenty years ago, and since that time, I have faced ten times, no a hundred times the difficulties, and a thousand times the sufferings, and the thought of suicide has not once entered into my mind, not even once. So I have come to know that reality, that whomsoever the Son sets free is free indeed. This is a snake, this spirit of suicide, a vicious snake, feeding with a frenzy on the suffering of this world. And especially in the body of Christ where there is intense suffering, and intense persecution, and intense sorrow, multiplied a thousand times over, is where this snake feeds the most. Especially does this suicide spirit feed on the body of Christ, and more upon women than men. And because of the embarrassment, the accusations, the indifferences, the attitudes, the "You are a Christian. How could you have this difficulty?" snipes, the battle is lost because there is no one to help, no one to deliver, no one to go to, and no one to understand the spiritual battle that is going on. It is satanical. It is horrendous. It is a no win battle without the intercession of God or His angels. For it begins with a single lie, Go to be with Jesus!

How I wanted to go and be with Jesus! How I wanted to touch His hands and His feet. How I wanted to see His face. How desperately I desired to leave this life and be with Him. I wrote songs about Him. I wrote books about Him. I taught thousands about Him. In the sorrows of a nineteen year failed marriage, and the failure of a six year re-marriage, the longing to simply be with Jesus intensified the peace of death, and the suicide spirit maximized every sorrow of life, every problem of this world, and fed upon my love of Jesus Christ and my hatred of this life. After all, did not Jesus say one must hate their own life or else they cannot be His disciple? As with the downfall of Eve, whereas satan caused her to be angry about denial, the suicide spirit feeds upon one's own pains of denials, of losses, of wants and desires that are taken away. Especially does the suicide spirit feed upon the sins that are committed against you, to make you feel worthless, hated, rejected, despised, sinned against, hated without cause and judged without truth.

After a time, the things that strengthened you, now become burdens. The things you loved, now become as nothing. Those who were friends, were now no comfort. The things that made life worth living, now no longer seem valuable. Your works in the Kingdom become heavy crosses. Your denials in this life become too painful to bear. God becomes unjust. God seems to have withdrawn His love. The suicide spirit does not blame anyone except one's own self. Whereas the murder spirit blames everyone else, and everything else, and never self. The suicide spirit is one of personal failure, and personal exhaustion, and personal spiritual impotence. Whereas the murder spirit is ready to kill and revenge and destroy everyone responsible, even satisfying its lust to kill innocent victims.

To settle its origin, the spirit of suicide, the spirit of murder, is not the Spirit of God, who is life, and who is love, but is the spirit of satan, who has nothing but destruction and death in his mind, and misery on misery till he accomplishes his purpose.

It is most often always heard when suicide claims its victim, We did not know. There was no evidence there were any problems. Everything seemed all right. And in the event even of murderings, it is said the same. We did not know. There was no evidence there were any problems. Everything seemed all right. He seemed like such a nice guy. She seemed just like everyone else. We had no idea anything was wrong. We are stunned. We are in shock. We cannot believe it. Afterwards, everyone tries to put the puzzle back together and see where and what pieces were missing, where the problems started, what could have been done to avoid a murder or a suicide, or both. But it is too late, for the murder has been committed, the suicide is over, and those who needed the help are no longer in a position for the help to be useful.

It never entered into my mind to murder anyone else, but that does not compliment my mind. If perhaps I had thought of murdering someone else, the horrors of my own thoughts could have shocked my mind to its own intentions. But satan knows his own victims. He knows what to say. He knows what not to say. He keeps the control, keeps the progression traveling as fast as it can, because if the progression slows or stops, or halts, one might, just might, begin to analyze things, think upon things, and find a way out other than the path of murder-suicide.

For murder is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And if satan can accomplish murder or suicide, or both, he has accomplished his purpose, death. And so satan works the mind, keeping his victims silent, and in the darkness, keeping them in a vacuum, keeping them away from others, keeping them isolated, keeping them snared and trapped in their own darkness lest someone could help, or would see to help, and those possessed with the tragedy of suicide-murder would get healed and not do those things that they are compelled to do.

Even to the victim, it is sudden. But once it becomes rooted, once it becomes a fact, it becomes the only solution, the only way out, and the only thing to do. There must be intercession before it becomes rooted, before it becomes a mental fact, and before it becomes the only solution and the only way out. Once it is seen as the only way out, then the method of the only way out is sought out and accomplished. By this time, it has all been thought out very carefully, planned out very maticulously, and accomplished quickly. Once it is determined, just the how is to be found, for the when has already been decided, and that when that has been purposed is that moment when the opportunity presents itself. And satan brings that opportunity quickly.

To the parents that are burying their teen-age sons and daughters, they did not see it coming. Of course thay did not see it coming. Even their own sons and daughters did not see it coming. They were satan's victims of circumstances, both the sons and daughters, and the parents, as well. Satan did not want them to see it coming. It was a work of darkness. All the while the victims believed things would get better, and of course, they might for a time, but always returning are the same circles of sufferings, and again, hope does not die slowly, but die it does, and the intentional suicide is blossomed into a suddenness of reality.

Satan, a whisper at a time first destroys the joy of living, and for awhile there remains a quilt toward all those left behind that would mourn and grieve, and then that is destroyed by satan by convincing the victim that he is not loved, and would not be missed, and then whispers at a time, satan destroys the purpose of living, and then he destoys the will of living, and then finally, he destroys the fear of death which culminates in the taking of the life, making death appear so peaceful, and so glorious, and so like a smooth lake in the sumertime with trees all around it, with smells of blossoms, a blue sky with white clouds dancing overhead, and the sound of a cool breeze blowing in the trees. And there midst all this ecstasy of death, appears the loved ones that he so longs for in life to be there. There are those that would love him and care about him and just love him for what he is. A suicidal becomes delusional, living in a fantasy of life as well as a fantasy of death. Satan is a liar, and the father of the lie. For Jesus said....John 8:44 Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. Satan lusts for murder, for death, and for blood. In order to accomplish his suicides, satan has to destroy life and create an illusional death.

SUICIDE: DEFINITION: The intentional, deliberate, pre-meditated act of killing one's self, taking one's own life.

MURDER: DEFINITION: The intentional, deliberate, pre-meditated act of killing another human being, taking another's life.

Seeing as suicide is intentional, deliberate and pre-meditated, how is there an avenue of rescue? How is there a time of thwarting such an action, seeing as this intention is pre-planned, and with a secrecy lest it be hindered? Seeing as murder is intentional, deliberate and pre-meditated, how is there an avenue of prohibiting such an action, seeing as even the planning of it is done in secrecy and with maliciousness?

Even the one planning his own suicide does not want to be interferred with, he taking the right to decide to take his life or to not take his life. And the one determining to murder another individual or indviduals, certainly has no intention of blowing a trumpet concerning his intentions.

The culmination of suicide or murder is abrupt, and is instant, and those remaining must try to put the pieces of their crushed lives back together. And with suicides increasing in numbers almost daily, if there were any answers to these tragedies, they can only be found in equipping people with the knowledges of where these evil spirits come from, and that they come from the darkness, feeding on suffering souls, having a lust for blood and death. Both suicide and murder are ultimate acts of hatred for God. Afterwards, there is blame assumed, and blame cast, and blame on blame to no avail.

One could say that all flesh is suicidal. For all flesh tempts death. One could say that all flesh is murderous. For all flesh hates. A glutton is filled with an angry hatred that manifests itself in a self-destructive path of eating a trough right into the grave. A drug addict is filled with a hatred for the truth, being unable to face reality and the problems of life, hating even having to be responsible for his or her own self, and is deliberately tempting death with every snort and with every injection. A smoker defies every known fact and truth concerning the death he inhales with every puff of the cigarette. A skydiver tempts death with every jump. A race car driver tempts death with every race. An alcoholic loves the dream-world enhancement of his senses with every swallow, dwelling in a twi-light zone of numbness from morning till night, never comprehending that behind every swallow is the spirit of self-murder, suicide.

We tend to look at murderers as unique and different people than ourselves, and tend to look at them as misfits and not the norm, and we tend to view them as vile and contemptible human beings. Whereas the scriptures say....Matt. 15:19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: 20 These are the things which defile a man.....Murder comes from the same heart as adulteries, fornications, thefts, and lies. An adulterer is also a murderer, and a fornicater, and a liar, and a thief.

As I sit here twenty plus years later, and contemplate this writing, I re-live those circumstances when I hung between life and death. Let me tell you of the final satanical effort for me by my own hand to slay my own self. I was angry at God. I was angry because my husband was unfaithful, and that my nineteen year marriage failed. I knew he had been unfaithful, yet, I believed if he could just become saved, it he would just receive Jesus, he could be faithful, and I, for the sake of my son, had stayed in the marriage many years. When my husband became saved, I rejoiced for then I believed falsely that he could love Christ enough to be faithful, if not me. I was wrong. He loved neither enough. When he again became unfaithful, I started walking to the beach in Florida to drown myself. I could not bear it. After walking a couple of miles, the love of Christ, the love of my son, and the love of the mission and work my husband and I had established won out over my suffering and I returned to the mission. My son was almost eighteen years old at that time, and stood with my husband, blaming me for the failure of the marrige. To him, I was a prude, too old fashioned, and unforgiving. I had major surgery, buried my own father, and my marriage fell apart, all in a short time of three weeks. I left the mission, a sister of the faith having given me shelter and a home and my belongings were delivered to me at her house in a small cardboard box, thirty eight years of life in a small cardboard box. I cried for three months. I began to rebuild my life at that time, and established a ministry for women and babies, and it grew rapidly. I met a man who said he desired to marry me and take care of me so I could minister the gospel. I married him. Within three months a hand hit the table and I heard, Woman, you speak when spoken to. I could scarcely believe it. Where did this man come from?

My soul was ravished and torn. Here I had married another Christian man, and he, too, was unfaithful and divorced me, and for that I was bitter, and filled with angers. I thought Jesus was supposed to make everything all right. That's what they preach. The reasons the marriages failed were not carnal reasons, but spiritual reasons, and that hurt all the more, and still does to this day, with deep wounds that are now covered over with tender scars, wounds so tender it takes little to cause them to bleed again. I could not deny the anointing then, nor the calling, and yet cannot deny it, but must stand true to the anointing. I did not think I hated God, but I was angry at God, incensed and angry. I found myself going through the sufferings of Christ, and these sufferings were unbearable.

Immediately after my re-marriage, the persecution against the anointing began again. I was told to burn my writings, to submit, to obey, and to discard everything. I was forbidden to speak in tongues, to cast devils, and to teach the scriptures. I could not burn them, and I told my husband to burn them. He was fearful to do so. My heart literally broke, in so much I suffered a heart seizure and in the emergency room at the hospital, even the physician was angry at me for causing my own self to suffer so from a 'calling of God'. He said, For your own life's sake, give it up. My husband was incensed with anger at me for this heart seizure, and disappeared for a week. You do not have to put a gun to someone's head and kill them to utterly slay their soul and crush the spirit out of them. I simply put all the writings in the closet and a few months later I was out mowing the lawn and the mower blade hit a rock in the grass and broke. The force of the blade snapping sent the bottom section of the blade into my left leg bone like a missile. My cry could be hear all the way an acre away where others were working in the fields and in the barn. I as I fell to the ground, I said, LORD, I hear you! I hear you! That blade was my whale. It was my whale. Jonah only need one whale. I only needed one whale.

It was a miracle my leg was spared from being removed, and there is an indentation and a hole in the bone of my left leg as a reminder of my disobedience to the anointing. The books came down from the shelf, the writings were completed, and the day the books went to press, my husband left me, and eventually divorced me. I have re-lived this hatred and this rejection over and over again from my own son, and from his family, and from others, the life-long brethren even. It became more than I could bear.

Satan, a whisper at a time first destroys the joy of living, and for awhile there remains a guilt toward all those left behind that would mourn and grieve, and then that is destroyed by satan by convincing the victim that he is not loved, and would not be missed, and then whispers at a time, satan destroys the purpose of living, and then he destroys the will of living, and then finally, he destroys the fear of death which culminates in the taking of the life, making death appear so peaceful, and so glorious, and so like a smooth lake in the summertime with trees all around it, with smells of blossoms, a blue sky with white clouds dancing overhead, and the sound of a cool breeze blowing in the trees.

That day, or I should say night-time, I simply wanted to end my own suffering. It just hurt too much to be alive. Mine was a spiritual suffering that seemed to have no answers from God, even after the ministry I was shepherding kept a fast going for over a year for God to retain the marriage. He did not. My husband was again pruned away. In this process of his getting pruned away because he bore no fruit, I was not able nor strong enough to go through my own purging again of being the one who was bearing the fruit. I simply got a quart of liquor, and with it washed down a bottle of darvons and some valiums. I happened at the time to live in Pennsylvania, at the top of a mountain, and I went out my back door and threw myself down the mountain. I was knocked unconscious and when I came to, I was cold, black and blue, aching and bleeding. I was so angry I had not died, I clawed my way up that mountainside, over rocks, and boulders, and through berry bushes and thorns that tore my flesh from my head to my feet, and scrambled back into my apartment and immediately went into the bathroom and took razor blades and began slashing my body in a rage that I was still alive, my legs first, gaping open with blood running down both shin bones, and was ready to slash both my wrists when suddenly someone grabbed my wrists and said, Martha, that's enough. It's over. That's enough. There was no one there. It was an unseen angel, unseen hands of tremendous power that said, Martha, that's enough, hands that held mine up in the air for what seemed like hours, till my arms ached terribly. I was terrified. I trembled. I was cold. I was simply spiritually numb, and I climbed the stairs to my bedroom and hid in the closet where it seemed to be the warmest, away from even myself it seemed, in the dark closet, and after several days one of the women in the ministry was looking for me, and found me there in the closet, filthy, bleeding, and my wounds infected. She bathed my wounds, and took care of me, not realizing what I had been going through spiritually for such a long time. No one did. I was ashamed of not being able to win the battle for myself. I was ashamed of my ingratitude. I was ashamed of not loving God anymore. I was ashamed of not loving Christ anymore. I was ashamed of not being strong. Everyone expected me to be so strong, to carry them, to believe for them, to do for them, to have no weakness. If she's of God, he'll take care of her! If she's of God, let her prove it! They chided Jesus as He hung dying on the cross, If you're the son of God, come on down! Save yourself! And my grave would have been garnished with flowers by the very one's who drove me into it, as the prophets of old had their sepulchres garnished by the very ones who believed not. I was ashamed of not loving anyone or anything anymore. I was ashamed for not wanting to live anymore. I cannot make anyone believe. If they do not believe the prophets, they will not believe.

When I look backward upon it, I see it for what it was. I had slowly entered into an insanity, into a total blackout of reasoning, a meltdown of the mind, my being simply worn out by the powers of darkness, and overcome to the place of ending my own life and entering into the peace of death. If satan cannot destroy us by our own sins, he will destroy us by the sins others commit against us. The LORD spared my life.

I forgive all men and all souls all trespasses, else I could not live with such pain and sorrow within. I forgive God, and I have had to come to that place of forgiving God in order to have healing. I have come to learn how narrow, how hard, and how straight is that road of deliverance, that road of healing, and that literal road of salvation. GOD forbid that we should be instruments of satan to cause someone to take his or her own life. Salvation is asking for forgiveness and forgiving when asked. We must seek forgiveness and give forgiveness. That is where all healing is found!

Excerpts from the book, The Suicide Spirit

Written by Martha Miranda 1996

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